Saint’s Row the Third was everything that Grand Theft Auto 4 should have been and wasn’t.
Sadly, the developer owning the Saint’s Row franchise, THQ, went bankrupt after the release of Saint’s Row the Third, and we all laid our beloved Saints to rest. Shortly after this, Koch Media bought the Saint’s name, and gave it to their subsidiary, Deep Silver. They announced that there would soon be a fourth game, much to my dismay, and to the trepidation of the rest of the internet. We all thought that the franchise would go out the window. You simply couldn’t get any more ridiculous than Saint’s Row the Third. How the hell would that even work? We expected a low quality, gritty reboot, or some dull, bleak shadow of the former games. Thank Zinyak I was wrong, because this game is insanely good.
No seriously. It’s that good.
You start out and pick your character. In keeping with tradition, and being true to who I am, I went for the Londoner. I became the first foreign President of the United States, and was an
absolute dick about it. You can customize pretty much everything about your character, giving yourself a female body and a male voice, for instance, but I just went with the default; the whole making-the-guy-look-like-me thing never really appeals to me. After a quick but hilarious prologue, Earth is invaded by an alien army at the command of Zinyak, ruler of a galactic empire which has its sights set on our little planet. He captures you after a pretty intense fight, and essentially plugs you into The Matrix for no reason other than his own amusement. You awake in your personal version of hell: a super-happy, smiley place where nobody is angry and nobody can swear. Realizing that “that’s fucked up”, the simulation turns on you, and you fight your way back into a simulation of Steelport City. Being back in the same turf you conquered in the previous game isn’t enough though; oh no. To level the playing field, you go and give yourself Goddamn superpowers.
This game takes the crazy that was Saint’s Row The Third, and cranks it up to well over 9,000. It’s the same game as before, with the same twisted humor, in-jokes and pop references. It even pokes fun at QTEs - which I loved, as they are the easiest way to ruin a perfectly decent game. Saint’s Row 4 takes the QTE and places it into super slow motion so you have ample time to hit the big glowing button on your screen. This is the same barmy game as before, but you can now elbow drop a grannie by jumping off of a skyscraper; you can glide from building to building, and decide a thousand meters up that you just want to nuke whatever is below you. Hell, you can even throw fireballs.
It’s not only the powers that are added, though. You get a whole new range of weapons, including the iconic Dubstep Gun (pictured left) and there’s the DLC preorder bonus ‘Merica Weapon. This gun is insane, and you’ll be pleased to know, now purchasable as DLC for those who missed the initial preorder period. I’ll admit that some of the weapons are a little overpowered - and by some I mean a lot of them; I don’t think I upgraded more than two guns through the entire game because the alien rifle you get early on is pretty much the most powerful gun that you can find, with ammo lying around almost everywhere. All in all, I used each gun a few times, chuckled in amusement and moved back to the overpowered ones. While we’re on the subject of overkill, the powers themselves, while fun, do make the game incredibly easy. There’s no skirmish where you genuinely feel the need to play tactically; you’re pretty much unstoppable while plugged into the simulation, and that takes away any and all need for player skill.
The radio stations, I am sad to report, are not very good. The music choice is weak compared to the game’s predecessors, but some of the mission-specific songs are nothing short of incredible. There’s one mission towards the end - and I won’t say which or what song it was - but I was literally bouncing in my seat, crying with laughter.
As for the missions, they’re well-paced and plentiful enough that the campaign feels like a good size; my biggest critique of Saint’s Row The Third was that the campaign felt really damn short, so I am glad they fixed that. I think the reason this game felt longer than the previous game was because of the variety. Yes, you are trapped in the same map as the previous game for a lot of your time here, but when you leave the simulation to rescue a crew member, you can have a world of fun. You enter into their psyche and see their worst nightmares. For some, it is the mundane and normal life they fear. For others, it is giant walking cans of Saint’s Flow energy drink; and to be fair I have drunk that stuff and it isn’t great.
I played this on the PC on high definition, but the console versions look pretty similar at a cursory glance. If you’re playing this game though, it’s not because of the way it looks. At this point all you need to know is that it is one of the funniest games I have played in a long, long time, and it is guaranteed to keep you amused for hours. As the president, do you “Fuck Cancer” or “Feed Them Cake”? That’s one of the first choices you make in the game, when asked if you would rather cure cancer or end world hunger. Do you freeze-blast and shatter an enemy or simply make them dance to dubstep until they die from exhaustion? Do you wear clothes or just pixelate your junk as you victory dance, or taunt the next bad guy? Finally, are you a Brit, or are you Nolan North playing as Nolan North, talking about all the games he has been in? Because that really is an option.
All in all, Saint’s Row 4 is pretty fantastic. Zinyak could have played more of a role in antagonizing the player - he is one of that characters who you can sink your teeth into, because he is a smartarse, like me, who just trolls your character. In one amazing scene where you are driving down the street, singing with your mate beside you, the radio cuts to Zinyak singing along, purely to piss you off. More encounters with Zinyak would have really added a little more spice to the game.
The collectables are far too plentiful to be fun to collect, and there is far too much flying around the map just because the game wants you to get from A to B using your powers… but it’s all worth it when you want to relax with a friend at the end of a long day of blowing things up. The entire game can be summed up by one of the romance options you can choose. You approach your friend, click the option, and before getting punched in the face and pounced upon, you say the words:
“Hey Kinzie: Wanna fuck?”
Nic Bunce
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