So yeah, I was talkin’ to Wes last week and he’s like “Sorry there’s no Borderlands 2 review. 2K ran out of copies” and I’m like “Maaaan! That sucks! You wan me to do it?!?!” and then he’s like “No.” and then I’m like “Pweeeeeeeeeese?” I asked him like, I dunno, a hundred times. Anyway, he eventually cracked (and is now locked in my basement). So here I am with ma review of BORDERLANDS 2 BITCHES!!!!!!
I like games. Unless they’re lames! Which Border 2 isn’t, yo! Borderlands 2 is BAD-ASS! B.A.D. ASS! When you put it in, it just bangs out awesomeness! That fat guy, y’know, the one who sells guns, anyway, he starts talkin. He’s on about Vault Hunters and how awesome they are.
Awesome, awesome, awesome!
There’s about 4 awesome classes you get to toy around and dance with! There’s a midget with a beard. A BEARD! I know, right?! You wanna know somethin even cooler bout him? (like there’s somethin cooler than a bearded-midget, amirite?) HE CAN DUAL WIELD! Dual-frikkin-wield! He has this angry midget power that makes him super kickass and pwns anythin that’s stoopid enough to try and kill him!
There’s this one guy as well. Zorro. He’s got this whole ‘cyborgy-ass-assin’ thing goin on. Oh, and he’s got this well funny hat that covers all of his beautiful face! What’re they called? Hemlet? Hamlet? Hellmutt? HELMET! That’s it.
I bet he’s got like, one eye. And in the spot where his old eye was, he keeps a bullet, just in case he meets the guy who took his eye!!! *Sighs*… He’s so dreeeeeamy!
I had a helmet once. My mom gave it me. It looked like a turtle shell. Actually, I think it might of bin a turtle shell. I used to call it Señor Shellmitt!!!!! Those were some good times.
What was I saying? Oh yeah! Zorro! He’s got a sword! No seriously! He’s got a glowing sword! He goes see-through for, errrm, 5 secs I think, and then he does some MASSIVE damage when he attacks!
I wanted to play as the mech-girl, but I ended playin as that Siren girl-womeny-thing. Her ass is the baddest you’ll ever meat! EVAR MEAT! She can do this thing, right. Where she picks the badmen up off the ground, then dangles them for a bit! It’s reeeeeeally funny! They’re like “WHY AM I UPSIDE DOWN!?” and I’m like, “Bitch please, BOOM BOOM BOOM! YOU DEAD FOO!!!!!” She’s a real killer!
What’s even better yeah, is when you DING LEVEL UP! She can rez peeps that got bitchslapped. And she can heel them! That’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reeeeally, handy when you get in a tight spot when you’re playin on Xbox LIVE (HAHAHA SexBox LIVE!!!! I’m soooo f***ing funny!!!).
Did I mention the story? No, I didn’t? Did I? Lemme check, kay?
Nah, I didn’t.
So the story is about this guy named Handsome Jack (-off). He’s such a tool, man!!! I mean, he starts off as this total douchebag, y’know, the kinda guy EVERYONE wants to tie to a post, strip him down to his Jonnies, cover him in Skag syrup, and then find the hungriest, Skaggyest Skag about, and laugh as the ‘say hello’ to his danglies!
I don’t like him much……
What reeeeally gets my goat, is he gets worse, and worse, as you play. Truth! By the end of the game, you re-he-he-heally want to just find him and cut his tongue out and get Doc Zed to reattach it so you can hear him say “No! Please Ms. Tiny! Stop! I yield, I yield,” 900+ times a day!!! Proper Gangnam style!!!!! THAT’S HOW WE ROLL!
He’s such a pleb!!!!
TAG! It’s your Birthday! Wanna no what I got yer? Well, do ya? Knock, knock? *Pretends you said who’s there?* Borderlands! *You just said Borderlands Who?* YOU JUST SAID IT! Borderlands 2.
HA!
Wanna no my fave bit? There’s this SICK mission where you help out this super-awesome, and rather soffisti, soffysti, sophisti, hang on, that’s it: Sophisticated, lady. One of my homies, Mushy Snugglebite’s his name, was tellin me “Sup? Listen girrrrrrl, this mission is kinda sad. When ure done, you dunno whether to be all cryin n stuff, or jumpin for joy.”
He’s right! He’s always right! He helps me to learn better at stuff when I ain’t sure. He’s priceless!
I’m a buff baby that can dance like a man. I can shake ah my fanny I can shake ah my can. I’m a tough tootin baby and I can punch-a-yo buns. Punch-a- yo buns. I can punch all your buns. If your an evil witch I will punch you for fun!
Boderlands 2 is the best awesomesause you’ll ever see! It’s like a fridge full of the stuff. You open the door lookin for a drink and BAM! There it is! The sauce of the most awesome awesome you’ll ever taste! It’s like crack, only mwah addictive! If you ain’t gots it yet, yo need to get ur ass out RIGHT NOW and pick it up, else you n Tiny Tina gonna be havin some words, you get me? You better!
Bye bye now!!!!! *Hugs* xxxxxx
Tiny Tina
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- Borderlands 2 Review - September 17, 2024
